Hey, no matter what will happen, I will always be looking at what I have in my hands, and appreciate them. I will not be looking at what I don’t have in my hands, and blame on others for not having it.
Also, I believe that you should first define what makes you happy and do whatever that makes you happy. You don’t seek for things that make others happy, and assume that is what makes you happy. You ask your heart, not by following what others do.
Lastly, everything that happens, happened based on a decision — a decision that you made, and you shouldn’t blame on others when the outcome isn’t as you expected. hey mr., life does go on. You don’t just stand there and say all the crap you want. Talks are so cheap, if you haven’t realized.
Anyways, I think I have to apologize to my all of my friends who have been staying with me to go through these crap. I will pick it up very quickly, and bring the good vibes back around you. And, just one more thing, I finally realized how hard, how sad, how crazy it is to even think about losing a person you love, love, love so much. Without one of them, is like losing a piece of myself.
What i have been seeing these few months is like I have come to watch the behind the scenes of my great life….. Seeing the behind the scenes is so heartbreaking and sad for me…. The only thing I am glad is I have been appreciating the experience i am able to have and meeting all the people I have met with no regrets. I might have been complimented for being a great daughter because I actually know and appreciate what my parents have given me; but, truthfully, I can be the most selfish child to my parents, especially to my dad.
At this point right now, I don’t have much option to choose from. And, greatly is because I have decided to follow my dream before I realized how selfish this decision could be. I didn’t plan a backup plan for this decision so I kind of don’t have a turning back. Even if I do, it is mostly because I don’t want to pursue the backup plan.
It is either I don’t follow my dream and carry the weight of regret all the time or I follow my dream and stabbed the knife deeper on your back….
I feel so apologetic but, honestly, if I do follow my dream, then no matter how apologetic I feel, it all don’t matter; because I have already stabbed and left that knife on your back…
I’m not sure how long it will take for me to get over this whole situation but I hope something positive will happen to help soothe and loosen this situation a little more…
Honestly, I can understand that you are emotionally unavailable for your own family because of grandpa & grandma, but it really is unnecessary for you to say mean stuff that nothing can, or will, undo what came out of your mouth later on. I really could care less that you can’t express that you love me or your family directly, but you really shouldn’t act so frustrated and say things you don’t mean it in the long term but for the moment only. These words can hurt me and us, and once it’s been said and hurt, nothing can undo it or heal the scar that you left.
Do and act wisely please, would you? If you don’t want me to not respect you no more, you should respect that, regardless, I am your daughter and we are your family that you want to rely on later on.
It really is disappointing to see how you handle these matters so poorly. I really thought you could do better than this. Things that slipped out of your mouth tonight cannot be taken back any more. And they hurt. I feel different about you now, and I really can’t feel exactly the same how I felt and loved you before.
I really cannot forget how inspired I was when I was at a talk by Jessica Walsh at TYPO Berlin. Everything she shared had strengthen my determination and desire to be in the “design field”. It was phenomenal and extremely inspiring!
Tonight, my sister finally shared her thought that she just doesn’t understand why I want to pursue in such field. I said, ‘I don’t know, I just thought is more creative and fun to work as a designer!’ She said, ‘no, it is not. It sucks!’ Of course, she is not a graphic designer but is working as a PM at an ad design agency, so from her colleagues’ work experience I guess it is not that fun and it sucks. And she just kept shutting down my plan of working towards the field.
She definitely kind of stab it through the heart of everything, and now I am lost. She made me look like I am just so naive about how design jobs aren’t what I think they are and I really hope it is just the difference in the industry culture that makes her think working as a designer sucks……
I just need to stand strong and prove it to her and myself that this plan was right for me!
Though, I really felt like she pushed me into a corner and made me feel like a fool being so naive about this dream job…. :(
oddly, I am having some hard times falling asleep peacefully. On most of the nights, the Memories, images, scenes, and a lot of things will just take over my head like they are hunting something down. Something, there is something, that is just wandering in my head… The uncertainty of what is going to happen in December is killing me. I am not sure if I will be able to be skilled as I “wished & expected”; to find a job as I “envisioned; or I could pay a visit to Europe as I “planned”. I don’t want to fail at my own words, and certainly I want to prove to myself that I am able to accomplish what I plan for myself & I am able to grow to be what I want to be.
Deeply waiting for the end of September to come…. that is when I can fetch for more information and find out if some of the friends will still be in DE when I am planning to go visit….
And I know. I have told myself that I should sometime go off “the plan” and “logic” and just go for it.
As the half-year mark is approaching quickly, I just want to give a summary of my first half of the greatest 2013.
Abroad for 152 days in Europe was amazing, even though I have been emphasizing it way too much, but I have no shame to conclude that again.
No doubt, the group of the psychos that I met really made the trip so amazing. I also felt very glad that I was able to travel with Melinda so much and that she enjoyed joining our psychos’ traveling!!!
WHU students can be a little challenging to meet and get to know but I am very glad that I was able to be close with my student buddy and share a flat with him and other WHU students in Berlin for 3 weeks.
Being able to meet the WHU students was great because the students are so ambitious and so determined in what they want to do which totally got me thinking and decided to push myself to be more ambitious and determined for the second half of 2013 in order to take me to where I desire to be at next year: Job in Europe (preferably Germany) or US and travel to Brazil.
Ironically, the day I am leaving LA this year will mark the end of my 9th year abroad in USA. Throughout these 9 years, I have changed and grown so much. I even went abroad again although I am ‘technically’ abroad already.
After being at so many places, people always get confused with where my home is at? I am not really sure, but I can say that Taiwan is my home because that is where my dad lives and works, and home is wherever you (my dad & family) are at. I could also say that LA is my home since I have been spending 9 years here now, and home is wherever you (friends and other important people that I have met) are at.But, I could also say that Germany is my home because it just took my heart away, and home is wherever you (my heart) are at.
Tough one to decide, but I don’t really need to decide, right? because it is not so bad to have that many homes around the globe?
I am excited for the next half of 2013. I will continue be living at a place where I am not or less familiar with. After the next abroad in Taiwan, I am really hoping to return as a better, improved, skilled, determined, ambitious, and more confident person. I don’t think I need to find a new Jackie, but a stronger and brighter one. And, I will try to be an adult too (so challenging!!!! :o )
Last note, I do kind of feel bad and sad for leaving some friends again… sorry, sorry! But I will be returning very soon again! Thank you really for still being there for me when I was abroad for the past few months, and please still be there for me when I am away and apart from y’all for the next few months!
Still have three days in Berlin and a few more in Germany. This pot of water is still boiling and won’t stop till the alarm goes off and the water calms and cools down. Then, we will see what we’ve got in this pot of water.